To the extreme

I've been working on a southern cuisine blog post, but I just can't seem to escape our speech. Our speech is just so colorful & expressive. We can't just say:
"It's hot." No, we have to say: "It's hotter than the hinges on the gates a Hell." Yes I am aware I put an "a" where an "of" should have gone. But if I put it that way, it wouldn't have been southern speech. Also, you will find, that our speech is dramatic. Take the aphorism mentioned above, how dramatic is that? We have to say it's hot and then some. We have to take it to the dramatic extreme. We paint as vivid a picture as possible to make sure we're understood. We're a very visual people. Just imagine, the description of Hell in the Bible. Okay, do you have a visual? Now metal surely gets hot, so picture the hinges on the gates glowing red like metal does when it's heated up. Let's take it up another notch to when the metal is passed red and it moves on to white. The hinges on the gates are white hot. Tell me that aphorism isn't dramatic and to the extreme. I would describe my wedding day that way. The breeze that was blowin' felt like a blow dryer. "It was hotter than the hinges on the gates of Hell, Lord ha' mercy." Lord have mercy, is like a punctuation mark at the end of a sentence for southerners. I digress, lets find our way back to aphorisms. "She wouldn't give a crippled crab a crutch, she was so selfish." "He's as crooked as a barrel of snakes." One could use that in reference to a politician. That's also pretty dog on crooked. "I was busier than a one armed hanger, Lord ha' mercy." That would describe me nearly everyday. That few aphorisms are dramatic & to the extreme. Those 2 words can describe the average southerners personality too. Y'all, I'm trying to get out of the language maze I'm in, but its just too irresistible. Just bare w/ me.

Charleston Heston: B. Oct 4, 1923/24 -D. April 5, 2008

Well y'all, Charleston Heston died. I'm still working on The South posts but I needed to go ahead and acknowledge his passing. Charleston Heston, was at one time on my husbands & my list of Old Men Who Could Still Kick Your Ass. He fell off the list because of his failing health. I look on the man w/ both admiration & condemnation. Heston campaigned for John Kennedy & Adlai Stevenson. In '61, he picketed a segregated movie theatre in Oklahoma showing one of his movies. He also accompanied Dr. King on the civil rights march in D.C. Then, for some reason, 20 yrs later he campaigned for Reagan, (who as no friend to the black people)for Bush Sr. & for Bush Jr. He also opposed Affirmative Action. He did a complete & shocking 180. He became a spokesperson for the NRA & while I am a gun enthusiast, I totally disagreed w/ the NRA holding a gun rally only a week after the Columbine shootings which he was a part of. During his speech, he raised a rifle over his head and said: "From my cold dead hands". It was disgraceful and tactless. There's a time and place for everything & that wasn't it. Brian & I put him on the list of O.M.W.C.S.K.Y.A after watching Bowling for Columbine. If you saw the movie, you may recall his reaction to Michael Moore that landed him on our list. Now of course, he is probably more well known for his movies than his political affiliation. Even w/ all the negative things I know about him, I still can't bring myself not to watch The Ten Commandments every year on ABC. He had many great films like, Ben Hur (which he won an Oscar for),Soylent Green & Planet of the apes, just to name a few. In the 90's, I don't know if y'all will remember, he did some Bud Light commercials that were especially funny. Now I'm left wondering, who was the real Charleston Heston? Was it the kind & compassionate man w/ all his mental faculties of the 1960's or was it the grizzled, crotchety, Republican curmudgeon?

Country porch ramblins

Aphorisms, to me, are a southern, linguistic delight. I love the fact that I can take a statement like: "That's a problem,I told you so", and say it 3 different ways. I hope it's a Southern tradition that never dies. I'll break it down for you so you'll know what I mean.

That's a problem,I told you so.

Translation #1: When you lay down w/ dogs, you get up w/ fleas.
Translation #2: You made your bed, now you got to lie in it.
Translation #3: When you stick your head in a lions mouth, you have to work it out that much easier.

You see what I did there? I took one statement and said it 3 different ways. You're not gonna here something like that in Minnesota. Let me give you another example.

I told you to knock it off, now I'm gonna put a stop to it.

Translation #1: I've dipped my last dip of snuff.
Translation #2: That's too much sugar for a dime.
Translation #3: That took the rag off the bush.
Translation #4: You don't believe fat meat is greasy.

You can also describe someones behavior w/ an aphorism. For example:

He/she was shocked.

Translation #1: You could have bought him/her for a penny.
Translation #2: He/she looked like someone just walked over their grave.

Some of my favorite aphorisms are when a simple statement just doesn't convey what you truly mean. For example:

He's/she's a thief.

Translation: He'll/she'll steal the sugar out a cake.

That person looks real bad.

Translation #1: They look like they've been rode hard and put away wet.
Translation #2: They look like 10 miles of bad road.

That persons gon' have trouble ahead.

Translation: They've got a tough row to hoe.

Now let's see if you can translate these next aphorisms to simple statements & if you can, email me w/ your answers.

1. You can't make a silk purse, out of a sows ear.
2. That's fattenin' frogs for snakes.
3. To high to throw your hat up.
4. Every tub has to sit on its own bottom.
5. Can't hold water in a pale.
6. They look like they just stepped out of a band box.

I could go on & on w/ this post because of my love of aphorisms. While on one hand, southerners talk "fastly" w/ less syllables, when we have the time, we also like to convey our strong feelings about something.

Why we talk more gooder fastly

I can't take credit for that title, that's close to the name of a Jeff Foxworthy book. When Southerners are busy or upset, we use colloquialisms. When you need to make a point quickly, colloquialisms are very handy. Now some people have said "it's the dumbing down of our society" & yes some people never learned how to speak English properly, but this post isn't about them, so get down off your soap box. We as Southerners have our on language & there are different dialects of the Southern language as well. I didn't know there were different dialects until I went outside Texas, but was still in the South. In Texas, when we say y'all, we're talkin' 'bout more than one person. In Mississippi, at 1st I would get confused when someone said y'all to me and I was by myself. I wouldn't respond cause I thought they were talking to someone else and then the person would say "hey I'm talkin' to you", and then they would proceed w/ their question. Where y'all from? Where y'all been?, and so on. Sometimes their accents were so funny, I didn't understand them at all. But I digress, let's go back to Texas. When you have a point & it has to be made quick,or you're just using "lazy speech", white folks say they're fixin' to do something. Black folks don't have time for the "X" sound that has to be made for "fixin' so we say "finna". Now both black & white folk don't always have time for "gonna", so we say "gon". As in: "I'm gon to." I think as Southerners we feel that the less syllables we say, the more words we can say. Which also explains why every word that ends in a G, automatically has it cut off. Are you kiddin'? We don't have time for G's. Some people think there's no room for "lazy speech" in language at all, I'm not one of them. I think there's a time and a place for everything. I think it should only be used when you're w/ someone you're extremely familiar with or if you meet someone in a casual atmosphere. Southerners are a xenophobic people, so let non southerners look down on us if they want. We know we're right anyway.

The black sheep of the nation

All families have a "black sheep." In America, the whole south is the "black sheep." The south & I have a love/hate relationship. I love the south because of so many things. A lot of the things I love the south for are wonderful, but were born out of hatred. You may disagree and say "how can something wonderful come out of hatred?" Let me tell you. God takes things that were meant for bad and turn them into something good. Black people were wanted here but not welcomed. We were the first minorities in America to take lemons & make lemonade. Now you might say "hey what about Native Americans"? Well the poor Native Americans were all but wiped out. They have very little influence on the south. Black folk gave this whole country culture. If it wasn't for us America would be England without the royal family, but that's another topic altogether. I love the south because you are free to be as eccentric as you want. In fact, I know entire families that are nuckin' futs and if a person meets one of them for the first time and says something about their personality or demeanor,etc., to someone else that knows them, the explanation is "he's a Smith", & the other person says "ohhhh now I get it." I love that if we're talking negatively about somebody, we can end the sentence w/ "poor thing" and whatever was said is instantly okay. I love that nobody else in America or the entire world cooks the way we cook. Brian's cousins grew up in Connecticut and all 3 of them chose to go to colleges in the south, none of them had ever heard of biscuits & gravy or chicken fried steak. No other area in America had thought to take some steak, batter it and drop it in some grease. I bet if you go to Wisconsin and ask them what chitlins (chitterlings) are, they would have no clue. That's a black southern thing though. I don't like them myself, but that's one of those things that black folks made "lemonade" out of. I love that I can pull up in front of my daughter's school & if she doesn't see me, I can let the window down, holla her name and the teacher will see me and wave. I love that we don't lock or "sanity challenged" relatives up in a home. That crazy uncle of yours stays in the back of your mama or your auntie's house. I love that even white folks still whoop their kids here. We do have those that don't believe in it, but we have a lot more who do. I especially love that you can legally own a lion or tiger in Texas. Now I wouldn't do it, but if I wanted to I could. I just know that you wouldn't be able to do that in Rhode Island. I love that grown men here are still a little afraid of their mothers. Finally, I love that in the south we're nice & spread out. We don't have to live on top of each other like in New York. Now non southerners think that we're bass ackward and strange & we probably are, but if we're so strange, why do so many people from other regions retire to the south?

Do you feel lucky punk? Pt. 2

If you didn't read Do you feel lucky punk?, you're gonna have to do that to understand this. The following are 4 names I left off the list & 3 are extremely important.

Dennis Farina, B. 1944, Chicago. He always plays "wiseguys" or cops. Most recently, he took over for Jerry Orbach on Law & Order. He has this stare like if he got hold of you, he'd stomp you till his shoes got sticky. Also when he plays a cop he's not really acting because he was a cop before he became an actor.

Scott Glenn, B. 1941, Pittsburgh. Many of you may not know him, he tends to play background characters. You can usually find him playing a "government spook" or a cowboy. He has this brooding way about him that just makes you uncomfortable. I think he would best known for a role he played in Urban Cowboy.

Jack Nicholson, B. 1937, Manhattan. Jack Nicholson is best known for every role he's ever played too. I think I forgot to put him on the 1st list because it almost seems like you know him. We see Jack "acting up" at basketball games & w/ the paparazzi. You know when you see Jack, there's always the possibility of him flying off the handle & hitting somebody w/ a car (he actually did that) or attacking somebody w/ a blunt object (he also did that one).

Now this guy deserves an introduction. I don't think there's a punk who thinks their lucky enough to take this guy on. I don't know if this man has ever done damage to anyone, but if he has, it was probably their fault. Personally he could talk about my mama and slander my name & I think I would just have to let him pass.

Paul Sorvino, B. 1939, Brooklyn. Mr. Sorvino's stare is enough to make your heart skip a beat. I'm sure he could rip me limb from limb w/ those giant paws of his. If he hit you in the chest, he could probably make your heart seize. I've never seen him w/ reporters or paparazzi & I'm sure that's probably because they have a sense of self preservation. Sure, your family could sue him, but the money wouldn't due you any good because you'd be dead.

How?

A few years ago, Chris Rock did an HBO special and opened w/ saying that he was a new father to a baby girl. He said that the most important thing he could do in his life was to keep his daughter off the pole. That means to keep her from being a stripper. I am currently pregnant for the 2nd time w/ my third child and the sonogram says its a boy. I'm not worried about Abbey, she's not just a sensible child but also a sensible person. The thing about girls is, they hurt themselves when they're hurting. Boys on the other hand, hurt other people. The question I pose to myself is: as the mother of sons, how do I keep them from hurting others? How many female serial killers have there been? I only know of one. How many female rapists have you heard of? I haven't heard of any. My husband & I don't believe a man can be raped anyway (not a man child but a man) but that's another topic all together. I think, much like Chris Rock, that the most important thing that I can do as a mother to boys is to keep them from being serial killers/rapists. You can't tell me that the parents of some of our most famous serial killers didn't have an inkling as to their kid not being "right". Those parents wouldn't be able to convince me that they didn't suspect somthin' may have been wrong w/ little Billy when they had to start buying him adult dogs instead of puppies because puppy after puppy just kept going "missin'". Or later in life when the other families w/ cats started bringing them in for fear of the neighbor boy lightin' a fire cracker & sticking it in the cats "poop shoot". And finally, when the parent actually investigated the stench coming from the old steamer trunk in the garage and found out it was the remains of every animal in the neighborhood that had ever gone missin', along w/ the signs from the animals saying they had gone missin' in a neat little pile arranged by date. Now I suppose some stuff is normal like burning ants w/ a magnifying glass or my husband said they used to put tad poles on the grill. I'm sure everyone reading this knows or knew at one time, some kid or adult male that you have to hide all flammable liquids, matches & lighters from "cause they just can't help themselves". I won't leave one of my nephews alone w/ my dogs right now & I certainly won't leave him alone w/ my knew baby when he comes. For that matter, I don't think I would even leave him alone w/ my 2 year old. Is it a demon that causes serial killers & serial rapists to become what they are or is it environment & genetics? Maybe its a little from column A & a little from column B.