Country porch ramblins

Aphorisms, to me, are a southern, linguistic delight. I love the fact that I can take a statement like: "That's a problem,I told you so", and say it 3 different ways. I hope it's a Southern tradition that never dies. I'll break it down for you so you'll know what I mean.

That's a problem,I told you so.

Translation #1: When you lay down w/ dogs, you get up w/ fleas.
Translation #2: You made your bed, now you got to lie in it.
Translation #3: When you stick your head in a lions mouth, you have to work it out that much easier.

You see what I did there? I took one statement and said it 3 different ways. You're not gonna here something like that in Minnesota. Let me give you another example.

I told you to knock it off, now I'm gonna put a stop to it.

Translation #1: I've dipped my last dip of snuff.
Translation #2: That's too much sugar for a dime.
Translation #3: That took the rag off the bush.
Translation #4: You don't believe fat meat is greasy.

You can also describe someones behavior w/ an aphorism. For example:

He/she was shocked.

Translation #1: You could have bought him/her for a penny.
Translation #2: He/she looked like someone just walked over their grave.

Some of my favorite aphorisms are when a simple statement just doesn't convey what you truly mean. For example:

He's/she's a thief.

Translation: He'll/she'll steal the sugar out a cake.

That person looks real bad.

Translation #1: They look like they've been rode hard and put away wet.
Translation #2: They look like 10 miles of bad road.

That persons gon' have trouble ahead.

Translation: They've got a tough row to hoe.

Now let's see if you can translate these next aphorisms to simple statements & if you can, email me w/ your answers.

1. You can't make a silk purse, out of a sows ear.
2. That's fattenin' frogs for snakes.
3. To high to throw your hat up.
4. Every tub has to sit on its own bottom.
5. Can't hold water in a pale.
6. They look like they just stepped out of a band box.

I could go on & on w/ this post because of my love of aphorisms. While on one hand, southerners talk "fastly" w/ less syllables, when we have the time, we also like to convey our strong feelings about something.

Why we talk more gooder fastly

I can't take credit for that title, that's close to the name of a Jeff Foxworthy book. When Southerners are busy or upset, we use colloquialisms. When you need to make a point quickly, colloquialisms are very handy. Now some people have said "it's the dumbing down of our society" & yes some people never learned how to speak English properly, but this post isn't about them, so get down off your soap box. We as Southerners have our on language & there are different dialects of the Southern language as well. I didn't know there were different dialects until I went outside Texas, but was still in the South. In Texas, when we say y'all, we're talkin' 'bout more than one person. In Mississippi, at 1st I would get confused when someone said y'all to me and I was by myself. I wouldn't respond cause I thought they were talking to someone else and then the person would say "hey I'm talkin' to you", and then they would proceed w/ their question. Where y'all from? Where y'all been?, and so on. Sometimes their accents were so funny, I didn't understand them at all. But I digress, let's go back to Texas. When you have a point & it has to be made quick,or you're just using "lazy speech", white folks say they're fixin' to do something. Black folks don't have time for the "X" sound that has to be made for "fixin' so we say "finna". Now both black & white folk don't always have time for "gonna", so we say "gon". As in: "I'm gon to." I think as Southerners we feel that the less syllables we say, the more words we can say. Which also explains why every word that ends in a G, automatically has it cut off. Are you kiddin'? We don't have time for G's. Some people think there's no room for "lazy speech" in language at all, I'm not one of them. I think there's a time and a place for everything. I think it should only be used when you're w/ someone you're extremely familiar with or if you meet someone in a casual atmosphere. Southerners are a xenophobic people, so let non southerners look down on us if they want. We know we're right anyway.

The black sheep of the nation

All families have a "black sheep." In America, the whole south is the "black sheep." The south & I have a love/hate relationship. I love the south because of so many things. A lot of the things I love the south for are wonderful, but were born out of hatred. You may disagree and say "how can something wonderful come out of hatred?" Let me tell you. God takes things that were meant for bad and turn them into something good. Black people were wanted here but not welcomed. We were the first minorities in America to take lemons & make lemonade. Now you might say "hey what about Native Americans"? Well the poor Native Americans were all but wiped out. They have very little influence on the south. Black folk gave this whole country culture. If it wasn't for us America would be England without the royal family, but that's another topic altogether. I love the south because you are free to be as eccentric as you want. In fact, I know entire families that are nuckin' futs and if a person meets one of them for the first time and says something about their personality or demeanor,etc., to someone else that knows them, the explanation is "he's a Smith", & the other person says "ohhhh now I get it." I love that if we're talking negatively about somebody, we can end the sentence w/ "poor thing" and whatever was said is instantly okay. I love that nobody else in America or the entire world cooks the way we cook. Brian's cousins grew up in Connecticut and all 3 of them chose to go to colleges in the south, none of them had ever heard of biscuits & gravy or chicken fried steak. No other area in America had thought to take some steak, batter it and drop it in some grease. I bet if you go to Wisconsin and ask them what chitlins (chitterlings) are, they would have no clue. That's a black southern thing though. I don't like them myself, but that's one of those things that black folks made "lemonade" out of. I love that I can pull up in front of my daughter's school & if she doesn't see me, I can let the window down, holla her name and the teacher will see me and wave. I love that we don't lock or "sanity challenged" relatives up in a home. That crazy uncle of yours stays in the back of your mama or your auntie's house. I love that even white folks still whoop their kids here. We do have those that don't believe in it, but we have a lot more who do. I especially love that you can legally own a lion or tiger in Texas. Now I wouldn't do it, but if I wanted to I could. I just know that you wouldn't be able to do that in Rhode Island. I love that grown men here are still a little afraid of their mothers. Finally, I love that in the south we're nice & spread out. We don't have to live on top of each other like in New York. Now non southerners think that we're bass ackward and strange & we probably are, but if we're so strange, why do so many people from other regions retire to the south?

Do you feel lucky punk? Pt. 2

If you didn't read Do you feel lucky punk?, you're gonna have to do that to understand this. The following are 4 names I left off the list & 3 are extremely important.

Dennis Farina, B. 1944, Chicago. He always plays "wiseguys" or cops. Most recently, he took over for Jerry Orbach on Law & Order. He has this stare like if he got hold of you, he'd stomp you till his shoes got sticky. Also when he plays a cop he's not really acting because he was a cop before he became an actor.

Scott Glenn, B. 1941, Pittsburgh. Many of you may not know him, he tends to play background characters. You can usually find him playing a "government spook" or a cowboy. He has this brooding way about him that just makes you uncomfortable. I think he would best known for a role he played in Urban Cowboy.

Jack Nicholson, B. 1937, Manhattan. Jack Nicholson is best known for every role he's ever played too. I think I forgot to put him on the 1st list because it almost seems like you know him. We see Jack "acting up" at basketball games & w/ the paparazzi. You know when you see Jack, there's always the possibility of him flying off the handle & hitting somebody w/ a car (he actually did that) or attacking somebody w/ a blunt object (he also did that one).

Now this guy deserves an introduction. I don't think there's a punk who thinks their lucky enough to take this guy on. I don't know if this man has ever done damage to anyone, but if he has, it was probably their fault. Personally he could talk about my mama and slander my name & I think I would just have to let him pass.

Paul Sorvino, B. 1939, Brooklyn. Mr. Sorvino's stare is enough to make your heart skip a beat. I'm sure he could rip me limb from limb w/ those giant paws of his. If he hit you in the chest, he could probably make your heart seize. I've never seen him w/ reporters or paparazzi & I'm sure that's probably because they have a sense of self preservation. Sure, your family could sue him, but the money wouldn't due you any good because you'd be dead.

How?

A few years ago, Chris Rock did an HBO special and opened w/ saying that he was a new father to a baby girl. He said that the most important thing he could do in his life was to keep his daughter off the pole. That means to keep her from being a stripper. I am currently pregnant for the 2nd time w/ my third child and the sonogram says its a boy. I'm not worried about Abbey, she's not just a sensible child but also a sensible person. The thing about girls is, they hurt themselves when they're hurting. Boys on the other hand, hurt other people. The question I pose to myself is: as the mother of sons, how do I keep them from hurting others? How many female serial killers have there been? I only know of one. How many female rapists have you heard of? I haven't heard of any. My husband & I don't believe a man can be raped anyway (not a man child but a man) but that's another topic all together. I think, much like Chris Rock, that the most important thing that I can do as a mother to boys is to keep them from being serial killers/rapists. You can't tell me that the parents of some of our most famous serial killers didn't have an inkling as to their kid not being "right". Those parents wouldn't be able to convince me that they didn't suspect somthin' may have been wrong w/ little Billy when they had to start buying him adult dogs instead of puppies because puppy after puppy just kept going "missin'". Or later in life when the other families w/ cats started bringing them in for fear of the neighbor boy lightin' a fire cracker & sticking it in the cats "poop shoot". And finally, when the parent actually investigated the stench coming from the old steamer trunk in the garage and found out it was the remains of every animal in the neighborhood that had ever gone missin', along w/ the signs from the animals saying they had gone missin' in a neat little pile arranged by date. Now I suppose some stuff is normal like burning ants w/ a magnifying glass or my husband said they used to put tad poles on the grill. I'm sure everyone reading this knows or knew at one time, some kid or adult male that you have to hide all flammable liquids, matches & lighters from "cause they just can't help themselves". I won't leave one of my nephews alone w/ my dogs right now & I certainly won't leave him alone w/ my knew baby when he comes. For that matter, I don't think I would even leave him alone w/ my 2 year old. Is it a demon that causes serial killers & serial rapists to become what they are or is it environment & genetics? Maybe its a little from column A & a little from column B.

Do you feel lucky punk?

Brian & I have been together coming up on 13 years now or it might be 14. Anyhow, over the years, we've started conversations that have continued for years. One of the conversations that we started years ago is still going strong. The conversation is a list of old men who could still kick your ass. This conversation and list started in (I believe) '02 when a filmmaker named Bart Sibrel began harassing Buzz Aldrin. You know Buzz Aldrin, the Astronaut. He got in Aldrin's face calling him a liar and telling him to admit that the moon landing was a fake. Buzz Aldrin answered him w/ a fist to the face. Now the 2 of us never sat down and made an actual list but whenever either of us sees someone on a movie or TV show we say "add him to the list". So without further ado, here is a list of old men who can still kick your ass:

Buzz Aldrin, B.1930, Astronaut, Proved it in a California hotel in 2002

Eric Braeden, B. 1941, Actor, Germany. Known best as "Victor Newman" on The Young & the Restless, Proved it on an airplane in 2002

James Caan, B. 1940, Actor, New York. Best known as "Sonny Corleone" in The Godfather. I wouldn't test him.

Clint Eastwood, B. 1930, Actor, Need I say more

Sam Elliott, B. 1944, Actor, Montana Cowboy. Best known for many movie rolls but saying the tag line "Beef...It's what's for dinner" sticks out in my mind most. Somebody tell me when they hear that, they don't have to ask themselves; Am I having beef for dinner, cause if I'm not I should.

Tommy Lee Jones, B. 1946, Actor, Texan, "Still waters run deep personality." He'd warn you to stop whatever it is you're doing before he puts his cowboy boot in your ass.

Robert Loggia, B. 1930, Actor, New York. Known for many movie roles but sticks out best in my mind for an orange juice commercial he did that was hilarious. I do believe he'd kick you when you're down.

Gerald McRaney, B. 1947, Actor, Mississippi. Probably best known as Major Dad but has done many TV roles. He only has the one lung, but I bet he'd have you down on the ground before he had to use his oxygen tank.

Burt Reynolds, B. 1936, Actor. Best known for every role he's ever done. The Sanguine personality in a man is few and far between and because of that personality trait you might not see it. The thing you have to remember about Sanguines is they are quick to laugh but are also quick tempered as well. I'm sanguine, so I recognize it.

Tom Selleck, B. 1945, Actor. Best known for his role as "Magnum P.I." People might say "Not Magnum P.I." Yes Magnum P.I. if you think back a few years ago to the bru ha ha that took place on the Rosie O'Donnell show, I think you might change your mind.

Sylvester Stallone, 1946, Actor. Best known for his role as Rocky Balboa in the movie "Rocky". Now I'm not real sure about this one, but Brian says yes. If you ask me, Sly seems to have a more Phlegmatic personality, which means it doesn't seem like you could do too much to bother him. That's the only one Brian & I disagree on but I'll let him have it.

There are some people who you might say we didn't think of or didn't include but I probably didn't list them on purpose. Every year these actors get older just like everyone else & they have to be aged off the list. Pre 1930 and there might still be a lot of power behind your punch but you have to be quick enough to land it. Also some might have fallen off the list because of illness. The whole point of the list is that Bart Sibrel was embarrassed cause he never thought in a million years that, that old man (Buzz Aldrin) could or would whoop him like that.

There are some people who will make the list in 5 years or so... some real good ones. Right now, if you were 30 or so like Bart Sibrel, you wouldn't be embarrassed to get beat up by someone who's only 15 or 20 years older but when you start talking about 30 to 40 years older, that's the rub. In a few years, those born after 1950 will be on our list. Let me just say right now the only exception to this rule will be Clint Eastwood. Yes he was born in 1930 but I think it's gonna take an illness for him to fall off the list. My reasoning is not because he plays really tough characters on screen, but because of how I've seen him behave w/ reporters.


Happy New Year y'all!!!

Moving & the "Family Crystal"

My husband Brian & I have moved 5 times since we've been married. After Brian & I were married, my Grandmother gave me the "Family Crystal". Each time we have moved, the crystal is the last thing I pack and that's on the day of the move. I wrap it carefully in bubble wrap & put it in wine boxes that have the individual holes were wine bottles should be. I then put them in the car on the passenger side, that's the way it's gone 5 times. The crystal is about 70 years old and I get nervous using it. The reason that the thought of breaking this crystal causes such anxiety for me outside of obvious, is because I believe that a little part of Grandmother would never be able to forgive me, I would also hear about it as long as my Grandmother had breath left in her body. For example: about 23 years ago Grandmother had a vase that she loved. It sat on her mantle where everyone could see hen they walked in the house, including herself. Anyhow, it was early on a Saturday morning and I was in my room playing w/ my Barbies. I heard a loud crash and Grandmother scream, I ran into the living room to see what happened. Broken blue glass was everywhere and the vase was no longer on the mantle. I didn't have to ask what happened Grandmother offered the intel up freely. "K.C. broke the vase", she said. K.C. was our Calico cat and like most cats she loved to sit high & look low. Now... 23 years later in 2007 she's still upset about K.C. breaking her vase. Surely if I were to cause the crystal to break, the very last words from her death bed would be: "Jaime let the crystal break", and she'd go on to Glory. As I write this, I'm not even sure that I want the crystal anymore, it's just too much pressure. I'll keep it though because that's the lot in life that I've been cast, the crystal is in my Will. Should I die before Brian, all family heirlooms, including the crystal goes to my Mother. If I hadn't already done that and I were to pass, there could potentially be trouble. Also, I have to admit, as the live person I am right now, the thought of Brian remarrying and that woman using my families stuff doesn't sit very well w/ me. After I'm dead, I'm positive I won't care but Wills are for the living anyway not the dead.