Country porch ramblins

Aphorisms, to me, are a southern, linguistic delight. I love the fact that I can take a statement like: "That's a problem,I told you so", and say it 3 different ways. I hope it's a Southern tradition that never dies. I'll break it down for you so you'll know what I mean.

That's a problem,I told you so.

Translation #1: When you lay down w/ dogs, you get up w/ fleas.
Translation #2: You made your bed, now you got to lie in it.
Translation #3: When you stick your head in a lions mouth, you have to work it out that much easier.

You see what I did there? I took one statement and said it 3 different ways. You're not gonna here something like that in Minnesota. Let me give you another example.

I told you to knock it off, now I'm gonna put a stop to it.

Translation #1: I've dipped my last dip of snuff.
Translation #2: That's too much sugar for a dime.
Translation #3: That took the rag off the bush.
Translation #4: You don't believe fat meat is greasy.

You can also describe someones behavior w/ an aphorism. For example:

He/she was shocked.

Translation #1: You could have bought him/her for a penny.
Translation #2: He/she looked like someone just walked over their grave.

Some of my favorite aphorisms are when a simple statement just doesn't convey what you truly mean. For example:

He's/she's a thief.

Translation: He'll/she'll steal the sugar out a cake.

That person looks real bad.

Translation #1: They look like they've been rode hard and put away wet.
Translation #2: They look like 10 miles of bad road.

That persons gon' have trouble ahead.

Translation: They've got a tough row to hoe.

Now let's see if you can translate these next aphorisms to simple statements & if you can, email me w/ your answers.

1. You can't make a silk purse, out of a sows ear.
2. That's fattenin' frogs for snakes.
3. To high to throw your hat up.
4. Every tub has to sit on its own bottom.
5. Can't hold water in a pale.
6. They look like they just stepped out of a band box.

I could go on & on w/ this post because of my love of aphorisms. While on one hand, southerners talk "fastly" w/ less syllables, when we have the time, we also like to convey our strong feelings about something.

Why we talk more gooder fastly

I can't take credit for that title, that's close to the name of a Jeff Foxworthy book. When Southerners are busy or upset, we use colloquialisms. When you need to make a point quickly, colloquialisms are very handy. Now some people have said "it's the dumbing down of our society" & yes some people never learned how to speak English properly, but this post isn't about them, so get down off your soap box. We as Southerners have our on language & there are different dialects of the Southern language as well. I didn't know there were different dialects until I went outside Texas, but was still in the South. In Texas, when we say y'all, we're talkin' 'bout more than one person. In Mississippi, at 1st I would get confused when someone said y'all to me and I was by myself. I wouldn't respond cause I thought they were talking to someone else and then the person would say "hey I'm talkin' to you", and then they would proceed w/ their question. Where y'all from? Where y'all been?, and so on. Sometimes their accents were so funny, I didn't understand them at all. But I digress, let's go back to Texas. When you have a point & it has to be made quick,or you're just using "lazy speech", white folks say they're fixin' to do something. Black folks don't have time for the "X" sound that has to be made for "fixin' so we say "finna". Now both black & white folk don't always have time for "gonna", so we say "gon". As in: "I'm gon to." I think as Southerners we feel that the less syllables we say, the more words we can say. Which also explains why every word that ends in a G, automatically has it cut off. Are you kiddin'? We don't have time for G's. Some people think there's no room for "lazy speech" in language at all, I'm not one of them. I think there's a time and a place for everything. I think it should only be used when you're w/ someone you're extremely familiar with or if you meet someone in a casual atmosphere. Southerners are a xenophobic people, so let non southerners look down on us if they want. We know we're right anyway.

The black sheep of the nation

All families have a "black sheep." In America, the whole south is the "black sheep." The south & I have a love/hate relationship. I love the south because of so many things. A lot of the things I love the south for are wonderful, but were born out of hatred. You may disagree and say "how can something wonderful come out of hatred?" Let me tell you. God takes things that were meant for bad and turn them into something good. Black people were wanted here but not welcomed. We were the first minorities in America to take lemons & make lemonade. Now you might say "hey what about Native Americans"? Well the poor Native Americans were all but wiped out. They have very little influence on the south. Black folk gave this whole country culture. If it wasn't for us America would be England without the royal family, but that's another topic altogether. I love the south because you are free to be as eccentric as you want. In fact, I know entire families that are nuckin' futs and if a person meets one of them for the first time and says something about their personality or demeanor,etc., to someone else that knows them, the explanation is "he's a Smith", & the other person says "ohhhh now I get it." I love that if we're talking negatively about somebody, we can end the sentence w/ "poor thing" and whatever was said is instantly okay. I love that nobody else in America or the entire world cooks the way we cook. Brian's cousins grew up in Connecticut and all 3 of them chose to go to colleges in the south, none of them had ever heard of biscuits & gravy or chicken fried steak. No other area in America had thought to take some steak, batter it and drop it in some grease. I bet if you go to Wisconsin and ask them what chitlins (chitterlings) are, they would have no clue. That's a black southern thing though. I don't like them myself, but that's one of those things that black folks made "lemonade" out of. I love that I can pull up in front of my daughter's school & if she doesn't see me, I can let the window down, holla her name and the teacher will see me and wave. I love that we don't lock or "sanity challenged" relatives up in a home. That crazy uncle of yours stays in the back of your mama or your auntie's house. I love that even white folks still whoop their kids here. We do have those that don't believe in it, but we have a lot more who do. I especially love that you can legally own a lion or tiger in Texas. Now I wouldn't do it, but if I wanted to I could. I just know that you wouldn't be able to do that in Rhode Island. I love that grown men here are still a little afraid of their mothers. Finally, I love that in the south we're nice & spread out. We don't have to live on top of each other like in New York. Now non southerners think that we're bass ackward and strange & we probably are, but if we're so strange, why do so many people from other regions retire to the south?